By this point in the summer, you’ve probably got a sixth sense for it: the poking, bickering or screeching that means another sibling spat is erupting.
Summer, with more together time and a routine that often gets tossed out the window, brings sweet memories as well as plenty of opportunities for conflict.
Before you start pulling out your hair, remember: Sibling disputes help children develop important relational and conflict-resolution skills. The family is their secure place to practice interactions and gauge responses; it’s a teaching ground.
Even so, it can be exhausting.
If summer fighting is getting on your nerves, consider these 6 strategies:
Note: We are providing general methods of addressing conflict. For children who are neurodivergent or have other specific needs, it is best to follow expert advice tailored to your child. If you need help, ask our clinicians.
- Observe: The causes for sibling disputes can be many and varied, depending on your family situation. It may be helpful to first observe and analyze so you can address underlying causes of habitual conflicts.
- Needs: Sometimes, conflict mitigation is as simple as implementing more frequent snack/drink breaks, a daily rest period or time alone, regular exercise/activity routines, or more time outside. Children often overlook or misunderstand their own cues — not realizing anger is actually hunger, for example. Also, make sure your family has clear expectations for rules, sharing, and behavior.
- Stay back: If you hear a conflict, resist the urge to intervene right away unless siblings are physically hurting each other. See if the children can resolve things on their own.
- Coach: If children need help resolving a conflict, calmly take on the role of coach (and don’t pick sides). Encourage siblings to discuss the problem — without making accusations — and brainstorm potential solutions. Try to let them take the lead as much as possible. This approach has been shown to mitigate sibling rivalry over time, as compared to a controlling posture.
- Model: Get introspective about the conflict-resolution strategies you and your partner demonstrate. Children watch how you handle disappointment and disagreements, as well as apologies. Sometimes, family catch phrases can provide words when strong emotions muddle thinking. Examples could be: “Let’s take a break until I’m calmer,” “Help me understand,” or “We can figure this out together!” More complex phrases for discussion could be: “When you do this it makes me feel like this. Would you please do this?”
- Quality time: Pay regular attention to children individually, as well as through fun family time. Publicly encourage children’s strengths and positive behaviors, while addressing missteps in private. Also, avoid labeling your children. When children get regular positive attention, they are less likely to seek attention in negative ways or lash out at siblings.
Want to learn more? Pariva is passionate about offering help and hope. Our family support program helps families address behavioral or developmental concerns about a child (including autism, ADHD and other conditions); we also offer virtual diagnostic evaluations. No wait list, no referral needed.