The pressures of parenting stack up and often conflict: Do I finish zipping my child’s coat and put on her shoes so we can leave on time? Or do I let her figure it out on her own and be late?
Sometimes, we don’t even realize when we hurriedly complete tasks our children should do for themselves — particularly with a neurodivergent child who may not follow the same developmental arc as other children. Yet overparenting can harm motivation and keep our children from realizing just how capable they are.
How do we decide when we’re overparenting versus simply helping?
A study by Yale researchers (recently published in the Child Development journal) offers incredibly instructive guidance: Parents of children ages 4 and 5 were less likely to take over when they viewed the task as a greater learning opportunity. Parents may already have done this for tasks they viewed as academic, but when they applied that outlook to everyday tasks — i.e. getting dressed — the reframing reduced parents’ taking over by almost half.
We encourage you to read more about the study (YaleNews writes about it here).
If you’d like to try out this approach, here are 8 tips for encouraging autonomy and motivation in your child:
- Evaluate your child’s sensitivities, abilities, and development to come up with appropriate tasks. For a neurodivergent child, some tasks may be particularly difficult or disagreeable (maybe sensory considerations come into play with certain jobs, or an aversion to germs if taking out trash), while other jobs would be quite empowering. If your family has a clinician, that would be a great resource for evaluating appropriate goals for your child.
- Take time to train your child in a non-rushed moment. When the family feels stress and pressure to get out the door, it’s probably not prime time to put a young child on the spot. Prepare for the task through pretend play (we love learning through play).
- Start with tasks at which a child is very likely to succeed, then build from there. Complex jobs can be broken down into small steps; consider starting with just one step for several days. An example for tying shoes: Start with putting on shoes, then add tying the beginning slip knot, and later work on the bunny ears portion.
- Consider working backward. Often, the final step is most rewarding, so allow your child to complete that step, and gradually add more to it. For example, when dressing, you could assist with putting on the shirt but let the child button or zip it. This approach builds confidence, provides a sense of ownership, and reinforces a child’s ability to complete tasks independently.
- Try collaborative problem solving. If your child encounters a challenge, ask the child to help you think of solutions to overcome it. For example, if the child is struggling with a zipper, ask, “Which part is tricky? How could we make it easier?” This fosters critical thinking and empowers children to find solutions.
- Think through tasks that offer the bonus of helping you (granted, it may take some upfront investment to realize this benefit). Some ideas: Zipping a coat, buttoning a shirt, packing a backpack, brushing hair, making the bed (in a simple way), helping with basic kitchen jobs (maybe measuring ingredients, removing strawberry stems, or stirring a dish), dusting, watering plants, feeding a pet, emptying the silverware from the dishwasher, or sorting socks. Then you have additional motivation to help your child learn.
- Praise your child for effort (instead of results). Notice the small things. Pay attention to the challenges your child perseveres through. Star or sticker charts can be great ways for children to set goals and track progress, as well as grow in confidence and motivation.
- Consider logical rewards as motivation for completing jobs on time. For example, “You finished getting ready for school early! Now we have time to read a book together.”
Remember: Think of all these seemingly mundane tasks as the life skills learning opportunities they are.
Pariva Health has helped more than 25,000 families of neurodivergent children and
counting — find out more about the ways in which we empower families, offering hope and help, with lots of play and no wait list.